


for it is to dream that it is to love

by LittleLimey



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Background Mighty Nein - Freeform, Drinking, Essek gets tipsy and Caleb rethinks his life choices, M/M, Trans Essek Thelyss, no-one sleeps on the sofa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLimey/pseuds/LittleLimey
Summary: Essek comes over for another dinner and gets a little too tipsy to head home. Caleb offers for him to rest in the Xhorhaus, and realises his feelings for Essek run a little deeper than he would have liked to admit even to himself.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 11
Kudos: 160





	for it is to dream that it is to love

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this was written prior to Episode 97, therefore it may be seen as canon divergent. Otherwise enjoy the indulgent fluff.

The first thing Caleb learned about Drinking With Essek was that the drow could get through quite a few glasses before he started getting tipsy. Thankfully the successful return of not one, but  _ two _ Beacons had brought significant praise to the Shadowhand through his links with the Mighty Nein, and thanks to his surprise intervention on their behalf. As such the drink flowed in celebration, and with Essek around at the Xhorhaus he had deigned to stay the night and celebrate with. And now he was definitely creeping down the spectrum of tipsy, from buzzed, heading distinctly towards drunk. It was easy enough to monitor the change as Essek's posture loosened up over dinner, when he happily accepted joining everyone in the hot tub (admittedly he remained by the side, as did others), when he let out a laugh at one of Jester's comments that rang in Caleb's ears far longer than the sound actually echoed in the chamber they were in. 

The second thing that Caleb learned about Drinking With Essek was that as he got more drunk, his cheeks and the tips of his ears began to flush a deep lavender. It made his silver star-like freckles seem to shine out from his face. Caleb wanted to lean in and count those freckles, one, two, three out loud as he always did. But he imagined Essek wouldn't appreciate that, even though he was sitting close enough that their shoulders were resting together and Essek seemed prepared to tip over completely to lean his head on Caleb's shoulder. Perhaps it was just the presence of Jester that kept him sober enough to keep balance.

Caleb was certain that Jester had been catching onto his slightly-longer-than-socially-acceptable stares over their drow companion, seeing as she’d insisted the pair sit together at the dinner table, and then sat them together again at the hot tub, and kept giving them both wide-eyed grins and conspiratorial winks. Whether Essek was responding to these winks or not, Caleb wasn’t always sure. Perhaps he’d noticed and simply decided, like Caleb, to enjoy the night they had but keep himself tucked in. The drinks had ruffled him up around the edges, made him sit looser and a touch unkempt. Caleb wanted to see him untucked completely, how their lovely prim and proper Shadowhand might be once every layer was peeled off, each overshirt of high-standing and pressure of society. 

Would he still be their Essek? Oh for certain, he would always be their Essek. But seeing him with a little of the weight lifted from his shoulders and set hanging at the door with his mantle felt good to see. 

Right now, Beauregard and Yasha had been exchanging bar fight stories, egged on by Essek’s incredulous queries about the apparent sport and further encouraged by his soft ‘I can’t believe you actually do this’ laughter following each retelling. 

“-Took out a table and five chairs”, Beau said, polished off the tale with a quaff of her bottle. “Although my record stands at three tables and six chairs.” She grinned over to Essek, who shook his head and continued his laugh of disbelief.

“By Lux, that must have been expensive”, he commented.

“Oh absolutely. Dad had to fork over so I wasn’t too fussed.” She turned her attention to Yasha. “So? What’s your record?”

“The whole bar.” Yasha took a long swig of her drink in the silence. Caleb tilted his head. If the tone suggested anything, she was definitely serious. But then again, it could sometimes be hard to tell with Yasha - ah, wait. There was the little squint in her eye, the tell-tale twitch of the lip that she was trying to hide behind her glass of ale. 

“Unbelievable”, Fjord murmured, laying back in the tub and staring in amazement.

“You’re fucking with us”, Beau said.

“Yeah I am”, Yasha chuckled, and the rest of the Nein joined in the laughter. Of course this included Essek, for he was most definitely an unofficial member. Unspoken, but well known. Smiles and gentle looks kept being cast in Essek’s direction, especially from Caleb himself, looking over their good friend. He could feel more and more weight being given unto his shoulder from Essek leaning against him, as if two energies within them were beginning to pull inexplicably and draw them closer together. If Jester’s grin up at them meant anything, Caleb would have bet gold on her having some strange ungodly hand in this. 

“I don’t know guys, maybe we should leave Essek and Caleb alone for a while”, she chirped up, causing more of the focus in the room to settle on the pair and Caleb could feel heat rising in his cheeks. It definitely wasn’t the hot tub room getting any warmer, they’d already peaked that by setting the water temperature and then having Essek sitting down next to him so close. But he could certainly feel sweat on the palms of his hands and a burning from cheeks to sternum. In part this was from the gazes of everyone glancing over at him, and Caleb never really enjoyed the spotlight. But also he dared not look over at Essek, to see his response to this.

“I’d rather spend a little more time with you all”, Essek said softly, and Caleb chanced that look across to his side. All he saw was the silky profile of the drow, a smile dancing across his soft plump lips and amusement in his bright pearly eyes. No sneer, no discomfort. Just peace. 

Peace looked beautiful.

“Maybe so, but it is getting rather late”, Caduceus mentioned. He seemed to be on the edge of nodding off in the hot tub, his tail dripping water down as it flopped lazily over the side of the tub. And if that content but sharp gaze could pick anything up, it would certainly include Jester’s brief bursts of yawns, and Fjord’s lazy-lidded eyes, and the way Beau had just decided to gently collapse against Yasha’s arm in a manner that Caleb envied. He wanted that with Essek, in a horrible selfish way that he wasn’t sure that the other reciprocated, and he made sure to sit on it with enough urgency possible in their current situation. It would be incredibly easy for him to reach around Essek and tug him the final breath closer between the two. To have him resting against his arm instead of trying engage what little energy he had left into his back. To see Essek finally,  _ finally _ fully rest. 

Caleb took those thoughts and balled into a mess to shove under other thoughts. 

“We should probably get to bed”, Fjord agreed to Caduceus. “Get some sleep.”

“In which case, I should gather my things and return to my own homestead”, Essek said, placing a hand on Caleb’s shoulder to get to his feet and proceeding to sway in place, holding a hand to his head.

“I don’t think you’re in any sound sense of mind to be walking anywhere by yourself, my friend”, Caleb said in a rapid voice, hurrying to his feet to steady Essek before he could sway too much and overbalance himself. Caleb was hardly the strongest of people but Essek was, by all appearances, even more reliant on books than he alongside being a shut-in. Tally in the constant floating, and there was very little muscle on his body. This made it quite easy for Caleb to wrap an arm underneath the drow’s shoulders and hold him steady. Unfortunately in turn, Essek seemed to shift his footing improperly and promptly staggered into Caleb’s chest, one hand clutching at the shirt to keep him upright.

Caleb thanked the gods watching that there was enough heat in the air to hide the red in his cheeks.

“I’m sorry”, Essek said, pushing himself back upright and failing to remain upright, relying again on Caleb to steady him. “I should be able to keep my balance when I float, I just-” For once, his eyebrows seemed to rumple together in the effort of focus, as his feet lifted up from the ground. And then as he began to move forward, down he went again, knees bending when his feet touched the floor as if jumping down from some height. Again Caleb was there to catch him, this time with his other arm across Essek’s chest to brace him and keep him from falling to the ground. It was an awkward embrace to be had, and it didn’t help by Essek wrapping both of  _ his _ arms around Caleb’s torso. 

“....This is not good”, he said simply.

“Nein, it is not”, Caleb agreed quietly. “Look, we have a sofa in my library. That will save you- us from having to navigate you up the stairs. It is not the most comfortable, but that would be better than trying to carry you back to your home.” 

There was Teleporting. But Essek could barely float, something he did by second nature, and Caleb hadn’t prepared the spell that morning following the understanding that they would be remaining in Rohsohna for the next few days. He had managed to adjust himself to the point he no longer prepared it on the off-chance their good luck and favour with the Bright Queen would turn and they would need a hasty retreat. But they were welcomed here, and they had friends here.

He had Essek here.

Right now Essek was in his arms, cheeks flushed in deep purple and starlight freckles glowing, and he was rubbing his face with resignation. His head dropped itself to the side, nestling into the crook of Caleb’s neck, and gods be damned he kept his face forward and gaze narrowed to the doorway of the hot tub room as he started moving the pair of them out into the hallway to the chorus of “G’night Essek!” and “Don’t bone if you’re really drunk you guys!”

“Please ignore them”, Caleb murmured to Essek, praying that he wasn’t embarrassed by the show of affection being called out after them as they walked away on unsteady feet. But Essek didn’t seem embarrassed by it at all thankfully. In fact he raised a hand in farewell, waving back over his shoulder without looking. The other hand was wrapped securely around Caleb’s back, the fingers hooked into his shirt while his feet shuffled and wandered about in different directions. 

“I swear I am not always this bad with drinks”, Essek said, his head continuing to rest up against Caleb’s neck. He could feel Essek’s breath on his skin with each word, even just that soft touch of breath sending goosebumps up his spine. His arm squeezed tighter around Essek as he felt the shift of weight that suggested one of his feet hadn’t been placed quite right, and in return Essek’s other hand reached back around the front of Caleb’s chest to take hold of his shoulder. 

“It is not always easy to monitor yourself when you are surrounded by good conversation”, Caleb said. “And the hot air probably did not help you much either.”

“Perhaps so, perhaps so.” Caleb felt the pause and inhale, both of them feeling the warmth of the hot tub drifting away behind them. “Do you know that you smell nice?”

Oh  _ fuck _ .

“Honestly I have had more comments on how stinky I am”, Caleb said with a chuckle, desperately trying to sweep away any connotation to Essek’s comment. He washed himself semi-regularly now, much more than when he’d first joined the Mighty Nein. Surely that wouldn’t have such an impact on his hygiene in regards to smell. Surely Essek didn’t think he smelled good in comparison to….other things.

“They are quite wrong”, Essek muttered. “You have a good smell. A relaxing one.”

“I think you are relaxed enough.” Caleb no longer had the shield of the sauna to explain his blushing face. Now he prayed in silent desperation that Essek didn’t notice it in his tipsy state. 

The rest of the hallway was covered in relative silence, besides small noises from Essek whenever his feet misstepped and he had to lean further against Caleb. He was pretty sure some of those noises were “Apologies” in both Common and Undercommon, but other noises were recognisably ‘oh shit’ sounds that couldn’t have words put to them. A couple other noises were different, soft and high-pitched, sounds that made Caleb pause to put his mind back together. Stop to wet his lips, deal with his increasingly dry throat. Breathe in through his nose and back out again, because he feared breathing out through his mouth would make Essek stare up at his lips. He had to make sure he didn’t look down too much either, otherwise Essek would distract him from their goal of getting him sat down, lying down so he could rest and sleep and tomorrow they’d both be sober and hungover and neither would mention their closeness. Yes, that was good for Caleb. Neither of them needed this distraction.

He glanced down at the corner of his eye in time to catch eye contact with the silvery white of Essek’s gaze, staring up at Caleb as if the human was radiant. 

Caleb looked away again. Don’t respond. Don’t break the facade. It’s just the drink.

He made sure that Essek was steady and stable before reaching forward to push the library door open, moving them through and past discarded book piles, to push open his bedroom door. Entering into this small cosy space, Caleb lit the air with a handful of Dancing Lights and concentrated again on keeping Essek upright while they approached the bed.

“You mentioned a sofa”, Essek muttered, his brow wrinkling in confusion.

“I never clarified that you would be sleeping on it”, Caleb replied. 

With some good adjustments to his hold on Essek, Caleb dropped him down onto the bed sheets. For a moment he wondered how much he should offer his assistance, how far he should go in helping Essek in his state. But the drow was an adult (certainly if one hundred and twenty years made elves adults, something Caleb had not yet managed to figure out), and the potential risk of intruding too far on Essek’s self-esteem made Caleb think twice about doing anything. He couldn’t deny the other risk of Essek getting the wrong idea, being drunk and having just said  _ how nice Caleb smelled _ and so he left Essek to undress himself if he so wished. 

“I cannot have it be that my host sleeps on a sofa”, Essek mumbled, beginning to get back to his.

“Neither can I allow my guest to sleep in uncomfortable circumstances”, Caleb replied, his hand gently pushing Essek back onto the bed. He was hit with steel in those silver eyes, but he kept his place. Folding his arms, he looked down at Essek. “You are my guest, but you are also my friend. And you’re really fucking drunk right now, so I’m sure morning you will appreciate having slept in a comfortable bed instead of a crooked position that could stiffen your shoulders.”

“Ah, I’ve had worse mornings”, Essek grumbled, and briefly he scowled as if he’d let slip something he really shouldn’t have. That little slip made Caleb tilt his head, look down in concern, a look that Essek caught and stowed away with a modest frown. “Sometimes I experience pain, and it doesn’t always have an identifiable physical cause. It is an unfortunate circumstance and something I found I could avoid with my parlour trick.” A little something softened between the pair, a barrier falling away at a gentle touch. Caleb sighed out gently. He’d heard of similar worries, of muscles that had been hewn poorly from birth or suffered great injury that never healed right. 

“Then hopefully you will be less likely to suffer if you sleep in the bed”, he said in warm tones. He wondered if Essek would argue this again, would stubbornly insist on taking the sofa. It wasn’t like he would be able to force him to sleep in the bed. But it seemed that a combination of lateness and drink had Caleb’s side, as Essek let out a heavy breath and began the slow process of working at his boots. Satisfied with his work, Caleb turned and collected a blanket from the bed, snagging a pillow as well to take to the sofa - the pillow wouldn’t move. 

“Oh no you don’t.” Essek gestured and the purple Mage Hand that clutched the pillow Caleb had tried to take with him tugged sharply, with more strength than Caleb expected. It left him flopped forward across the bed, having to lift his head to look up at the smugly amused Essek looking down at him. He reached over to Caleb, rested his hand briefly on his scalp and ran his fingers through his hair. The sheer intimacy of the contact left Caleb shivering briefly. “You can say what you like, but I insist that you take the bed as well. I do not require as much rest as you do after all, four hours is all that is required of me. And I am still during my meditation, I won’t wake you up.”

“Oh, ja”, Caleb said breathlessly. Of course elves didn’t need to sleep. To think he’d been making such fuss - and yet Essek had not corrected him. Maybe he did sleep? At this point most of Caleb’s mind was far beyond blurs of lucid thought, especially while Essek looked down at him with some expression that he could barely put a finger on. It was probably just the drink. Had to be the drink. With his own point made and with the victory of Caleb no longer taking the sofa, Essek’s smug smile faded into more gentleness. His fingers continued to card through Caleb’s hair for a moment, through the longer locks and down to the very tips, pulling aside his hair tie as he did so. Essek breathed out as he lifted his hand away, and for a moment Caleb felt himself spinning in the openness of his gaze. Within there was an eddying darkness, swirling heavily, but cast aglimmer with starlight and potential. The pair of them were floating, Essek in his own thoughts and Caleb inside Essek’s eyes, until the drow looked away and brought his hand back to his chest. A darling smile still lingered on his lips, the emptiness gone away as quickly as it had appeared. How sorrowful, Caleb wondered, that Essek would still feel something tug at him even in these moments of rest.

They sat on the bed, neither willing to stand up now that they’d felt the inviting softness of the sheets below. Caleb stripped off his shirt with military haste, folding it into itself and placing it on a chair beside the bed. Dropping his boots and socks under the chair as well, he turned in time to see Essek calmly and slowly, methodically, removing his tunic and letting it drape down over his arms. The shimmery material that criss-crossed his chest caught Caleb’s eyes, turned Essek from a starry night covered in shadowed clouds into the moon itself, glowing and gentle. He really shouldn’t stare. He really couldn’t stop.

“Does something catch your eye?” Essek had paused, resting back on his hands while his eyes snatched Caleb into a firm holding gaze that turned his tongue back down his own throat. “Or does the Empire not approve of such things?”

“Was? Nein! No, not at all”, Caleb stammered. “I, well-” 

You look so beautiful I forgot to breathe. The drink in your head is swirling around mine and urging me to cross the heartbeat between us in this bed and drink you down, feel your lungs through your lips, catch the taste of wine still on your tongue. I want to map you, to know you, to see you unravel fully from my teeth to be caught on my hands. 

“Well?”, Essek repeated.

“I haven’t seen a binder like that before. Normally ours are a more crude material”, Caleb finished. 

“A shame. You’re missing out”, Essek murmured, before he leaned over. “Would you like to feel it?”

“No thank you!” To the sound of Essek’s gentle laughter in the background, Caleb hid his reddened cheeks behind his redder locks of hair (although the competition between cheek and hair colour was fierce) and removed his trousers. Left in his barest underclothes, he slipped down underneath the sheets, quite resolutely keeping his focus and attention to the side of the room opposite from Essek. Behind him he could feel rather than see the drow shuffling down in the sheets.

“Sleep. That really is a luxury”, Essek mumbled. “I am so used to trancing that I don’t consider how nice it feels every once in a while.”

“You seem like a busy man, to prefer sticking to only four hours a night”, Caleb commented over his shoulder. Essek made a grunting sound of agreement. “Maybe it is good then that you are sleeping now.”

“....Elves trance normally anyway”, Essek responded. “It’s just how we are.”

“And yet you call sleeping a luxury?”

“I have been introduced to the notion by the rare few non-elven folk I have met.” Essek’s voice was beginning to drift off, sluggish and heavy with tipsy fatigue. It made his accent even more pronounced, and made the words “Bloody bastards, the lot of them” much more amusing to hear.

“I hope we are not so terrible”, Caleb murmured back to Essek. 

Silence. And then a long heavy inhalation. When Essek continued to not respond, Caleb finally grabbed the drow bull by the metaphorical, very attractive horns and rolled himself over in the bed. Essek was apparently deep in sleep, or trance, whichever he’d chosen. His eyes closed and long deep breaths making his chest rise and fall. He’d chosen a position on his side, one arm folded up under his head and the other resting on the bed sheets. In the dim light of the room, the smattering of silvery freckles only strengthened the appearance of stardust across his cheeks. And finally,  _ finally _ , there was no weight on his face. There was a deep fatigue, bone threaded and well-lived. There was a sadness of some kind, a loneliness or a regret. But there was no pressure. No necessity to maintain his presence. None of the Shadowhand’s mantle. 

Caleb reached over and caressed the air above Essek’s cheek, wondering how soft he would actually feel. Then he leaned the breath of distance, kissed his forehead, and lay back down on his back to sleep. 


End file.
